Two Someones Missing from the Family Photo

 This is the most recent family photo offering:  Suzanna will be home in 5 days, Sam will leave in 13, but Max is just not there at all, and I miss him.

Max had the voice of an angel-one singing deep bass.  He was charming, funny, and brilliant.  He could solve a Rubik Cube in seconds, no matter how mixed up it was to start.  He loved computer games, Avatar film, and his family.  He was a member of the Maryland State Boychoir for years and toured the world singing, including China as part of the Olympics 10 years ago.  He starred as Daddy Warbucks on stage, sang in "Evita," in "The Music Man," and one semester in BYU Men's Choir, singing with llamas at Christmas.

He was an addict, struggling to be sober.  Perhaps self medicating or the drugs triggered the bi-polar diagnosis with psychotic breaks when he got high?  His tox report on autopsy says he was sober. 

Rubbernecking is natural.  We all need to look, we can't help ourselves, and the disappointment when you realize it was just a flat tire backing up traffic for miles when all of us are squeezing down the road to the ocean… We have started a habit of the driver looking straight ahead, and someone else narrating the details.  Try it--see how hard it is to concentrate on just driving and not trying to see what is beyond the flashing lights, crushed cars, broken glass…

So I share the details for you so you know, to give you an idea of what it is like, so you can drive straight.  Or offer help, the kind that will prevent another death of a stranger, or a friend.

Suicide clean-up can't be easy.  I am grateful for the 1st responders, the policemen and emergency help.  Our son was pronounced dead at the scene.  A police detective came to tell us, hours later, along with the chief of police-a personal family friend.  Just like in the movies, the doorbell rang when we were sound asleep; they asked if they could come in.  We couldn't see his body because they had already taken him down to Baltimore for investigation & autopsy. 

You've noticed the crosses along the side of roads, loaded with teddy bears or flowers or holiday-themed wreaths.  I understand that now.  The need to memorialize, mark the place that had ended his life.  As a parent you want it to matter to everyone, so they know either to be cautious driving there, look for bike riders or pedestrians, or slow down while you drive.  I wanted to do something! 

Down route 40 behind Advanced Auto the train tracks run behind wire fencing, I stood there gripping the fence looking up and down the tracks to see what Max would have seen.  It was a full moon that night  he died.  A train passed, and it was all I could do to stay standing.  I was thankful it had rained before I was there, or clean-up was thorough.  No evidence left on the tracks.  The violence of that big machine going too fast and too heavy to stop as my son stood up from the track he was sitting on and stepped in front of the engine.  

I don't know everything Max was feeling or thinking in that moment.  From suicide survivors I have heard the regret and wish for a second chance, knowing it was a mistake to try to end it.

John was able to recover Max's phone record (we never found his actual phone) and he had written texts to 5 people earlier that night. John texted them to let them know what happened, and only one texted back, recounting the back and forth that night, as Max became more and more irrational, writing that he felt voices were telling him to go down to the tracks and kill himself.  The friend did the right thing, asking him questions, telling him to get help, but then Max stopped responding.

That's the moment that I wish for a do-over, wishing that someone would have seen him, or asked him what was wrong and stayed with him, talked him down.  I don't blame the friend for not knowing more what to do.  A phone call to us, or 911 maybe could have made a difference.

Your efforts to pay attention to those around you, to notice when something is off, to talk to them, help them cope with whatever burdens they are dealing with--that is my encouragement today.  Be the kind of listener who focuses on what is really happening.  Notice things.  Be a little nosy.  And speak up when the warning signs show up.  Don't let them be alone---suicide is a lonely event. 

You have worth.  You are enough.  As you deal with hard things in your life, don't give up hope.  Life is worth living!  Take more photos!  Make memories and make peace with your loved ones.

Max would give really good hugs.  He was never the one to let go first.  The last words we shared were "I love you" and a kiss and one of those long hugs.