Today is Hard, but not the fault of friends or family...

She wanted to make sure, after the yarn bombing outside faded, that I had a permanent memory of Max.

They each brought a snippet of t-shirt hems, pink for their only daughter, one of her own shirts.  I tied them together as they sat and signed Max memory books.  These boys were his peers, in his classes at Church.  I taught them in Primary, Sunday School, two of them in seminary.  They sang "Silent Night" for us with 2 guitars in harmony, brought amazing toffee (what carb free diet?) and gave good hugs.

We have been loved, remembered, hugged, and I think I am emotionally just worn out.  So hard to keep a happy-all-the-time face on.  I am sad, missing far away family, including EmmaDean.  Holidays are for gathering, and as grouchy as I can be about crowds and claustrophobic, I crave it.  And chocolate. 

Kids are cleaning Great Grandma Billie's condo, John just walked in the door.  We did all our Santa wrapping last night, so we can go to bed early.

Merry Christmas to all.  Take a family photo tomorrow, and some video to capture the now happening before your eyes. 

Book Group Friends

Can you guess the book?  80's.  Host had Cheetos in comic-book paper cones.  A vinyl record cake stand.  And she made us mixed tape cupcakes.

Black eye-liner makeup all the way around the eyes, big big hair, pastels, popped polo collars, side ponytails.  So far with three meetings, this book group has dressed up with the book themes.  For silly fun.  "Eleanor & Park" by Rainbow Rowell.

This was last month on way to The Night Circus, a 2011 fantasy novel by Erin Morgenstern.

All black with red, and circus treats popcorn, lemonade and chocolate (no chocolate mice).
Next month's book:  (Even though all of us but one has read it, we will re-read)

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows  

The first month we met at my home, no photo, really it was just the organize-and-figure-out-what-we-want-to-read meeting, "Beekeeper's Apprentice" by Laurie King, my offering (with honey treats to eat) but only half the group read it, not really a discussion.  BUT we learned how interested we all were in the film rights of the books we are reading, how we would cast them, the visual elements, characters.  And it has sort of clicked "dressing up"  --not cosplay serious-- but playing with the book themes. 

Two hours of talking about the book, how it relates to our lives, what good lessons we can take from them.  Serious therapy, small group of friends meeting and talking.  And hugs.  I needed the hugs this week.

Open meeting, all others welcome to join us.  January 9th at JB's home, 10:30 Friday am. Dress:  WWII British!

Speaking Assignments/Opportunities

Yesterday's tender mercies:  in Goodwill a sister walked in, (from another congregation-Winter's Run ward).  She told me she had been touched by what happened to our son. 

I asked, "How?" 

She said she had read John's blog--his talk from memorial service--and how much it meant to her, how much it helped her.  She has a brother struggling with addictions.  She knows.

Big teary hugs, her telling me she loved us, is still praying for us.  Last week the same thing happened at Staples, another sister from other ward, telling me she now knows what it means to continually pray, because she has been continually praying for our family.

Then later, in a craft store, a quilter buddy I haven't seen for years recognized me from the back (?) called my name, gave big hugs.

I still get teary.  The hugs are still appreciated.  I took a big sniff of Max's pillow this morning.  Not ready to put it in the wash yet.  Still smells like his hair.  I miss him.  I think about him often, especially when hearing music, deep voices.

And I think we are ready for this:

In less than a month we have our first gig, as parents for addiction recovery advocates.  It will be a large group of  Boy Scouts and parents.  We are using video Emma did with music of Max singing (in racquet ball court, shortened version of funeral home video, John posted it on Facebook).  Don't know how long yet they want us to speak/present.  The words below take me 7 1/2 minutes to get through. 

(I have appreciated Deb's & Mom's comments after they read it, and how much more it could encompass, all the other ails and problems in our communities...)

This is what I would say in a meeting of parents/students:

Sometimes it is hard to know what you want to do with your life. 

Some dreams you have might be close, almost within your reach, like surviving high school, getting your driver's license, going to a school game or dance, or just being brave enough to talk to someone you have a crush on and have them pay attention to you.

Some of your dreams may feel impossible or too far away, like getting a job that pays you enough to buy a decent car, or moving out and getting your own place, finding a group of friends who really understand you and get you, people who have your back, would bail you out if you're in trouble, people you can call at 2 am to pick you up from anywhere. 

If you feel like you don't have someone who would do that, I encourage you to look around, find a support system, a trusted teacher or maybe someone at your church, someone in your neighborhood, maybe it's a family member you get along with, someone who cares about you and your future, someone that you can trust, and look up to.

Maybe you have been betrayed in the past, or lost respect for someone who isn't living the way they expect you to live.  Maybe they are telling you "Don't get drunk, don't smoke" "Don't be stupid about drugs" or maybe they are saying "Just don't get caught."

Find someone else to look up to.  Find someone who is living the way you want to turn out like, a hero who has the kind of family life you dream about having, someone who has a good time because they are happy and safe and sober.

Not everyone needs to go to college.  Not everyone ends up famous and wealthy.  You may be a star in the making, and if that is true, I want you to come back to ________ (Aberdeen) and tell me "Mrs.Landbeck, I want to help someone!" because you made it big and you want to support one of our anti-drug seminars or a Defiance concert with your fancy money!

Find someone to look up to who is satisfied and happy with their life.  Trust them.  Listen to them. 

For 5 more minutes I want you to listen to me.  Trust me. 

I am a mom, married to my husband for 25 years.  We still date.  We go to Church every Sunday.  We have 6 children, because we wanted to be parents, raised them the way we were raised.

I have a son who was an addict.  He got straight A's.  He was smart.  He wanted to teach music, or maybe use music and psychology to help patients.  Music therapy.  Something.

Max was friendly, involved, a boyscout, went to church with us, clean-cut, big smile.

But he had some secrets.  One of them was a homemade bong he would light up in the bathroom, fan on, supposedly taking a shower.  What mom complains when her son wants to take a shower?!  A shower, yes, take a shower.  He liked using the shower upstairs because of the fan.

Maybe you think your parents don't know what marijuana smells like?  That they won't notice?  That they are clue-less, or too busy to pay attention?

Pot smells like sadness to me.  Loneliness.  It smells like "I am confused and not sure what is going on in my life and my friend at school told me this will feel better than sex and nobody likes me anyway and I don't think I'll ever get to have sex so maybe just inhaling a little--it's not real smoking--this will make all the pain and hurt go away, and I can just relax, chill for an hour or so...It's not hurting anyone..."

I am here to tell you DRUGS HURT.  I am not talking about medication prescribed by a doctor for legitimate medical reasons--which can also be abused.  DRUGS HURT YOU.  They hurt your brain, they hurt your feelings, they hurt your friends--your real friends who protect your future-you, who you want to be.  Drugs hurt your family.  Using drugs will make your momma cry.  Drugs will scare your siblings.  Drugs will hurt your bank account--turn you into a thief as the family's grocery money disappears from the kitchen counter.  Drugs hurt the trust your family has in you. Drugs hurt your grades.  They confuse you and take away goals and dreams.  Drugs will get you arrested.  Drugs will put you in front of a judge.  Drugs will make it so you can't be an eagle scout.  Drugs will put you in rehab--if you are lucky.  Drugs will make you a sneak.  Drugs will ruin friendship.  Drugs will waste your life.

Drugs will kill you.

2 and 1/2 years ago I sat in the room listening to Joe's lecture.  I had insisted that Max come along with us.  He was a senior in high school.  Like I mentioned earlier, he was clean-cut, intelligent, went to church every week.  Handsome lad.  As Joe listed off different names for drugs, Max sitting next to me whispered more street names for the same things, like I would be impressed he knew so much about it.  He had a barely patient grin on his face, thinking he was capable of smoking pot and controlling it, no big deal.  He thought he was special, an exception, that it wasn't hurting him.  I had cleaned his room that week, found a bong and his baggie stash, calmly talked to him about it.  He wanted it back.  He wasn't ready to stop.   He thought he was in control.  Coming to a lecture like this was a condition of me not turning him in to the cops right then.

He got cleaned up, or so we thought, swearing to us that he had stopped.  Drugs made him a liar.  At an out-of-state college he escalated, started ordering things on-line that were technically at the time not illegal, are now, thankfully.  He abused over the counter decongestants.  He shoplifted cough syrup to try and get high.  He scared his sister and aunt and cousins at a family gathering, with loopy, dreamy weird talk.  And when he came home for Christmas, we knew something was wrong.

Worse feeling in the world:  knowing your baby is hurt, and not knowing how to help them feel better.  I thought he was going to die right then, his body temperature was too high, he couldn't stop shaking, huge dilated pupils, things you know to look for--right? 

You parents here today, you can't blame yourself.  You can't love them sober.  They have to choose.  And scaring them doesn't work.  Begging them, reasoning, bribing them--nahh, none of that works.

Pot quickly wasn't enough to get him as high as he wanted.  He escalated.  Using acid killed brain cells in Max.  His personality changed.  He lost his sense of humor, and he used to be really funny, witty. 

So, to condense the next years of our family life:  4+ rehab programs, 5+ trips to emergency room, yes an arrest.  I am an advocate of tough-love, not enabling a drug user.  NEVER give them money.  We changed the locks on house.  He tried and got kicked out of other family member's homes by breaking the agreed upon rules.  Applied for and briefly worked for many jobs.  Tried living with friends, but kept getting high.  We kept inviting him over for dinner, no matter where he lived.  He picked up smoking cigarettes through AA meetings, exchanging vices.  And he kept relapsing.

He kept trying to quit. 

He kept trying, and seemed to be in a good place.  He was scheduled to take a college class to learn how to be a radio/talking book reader, using his amazing voice for a career.

He was over at our home for birthday cake for his little sister's party, put in his order for what he wanted for his birthday in 2 weeks, made plans to go to a concert with me.  He hugged me, like he always did, saying good-bye and that he loved me.  My husband dropped Max off at his rehab house.

By midnight he was dead, hit by a freight train as he stepped out onto the tracks.

How much of what he was feeling that full moon night was from the drug damage in his weakened brain?  Or how much of his suicide was the drug-induced psychosis that would happen every time he used?  We don't know.

But I do know that drugs hurt him.

If you know someone in trouble, get them help.  Don't ignore it or just hope it goes away.  Don't shame them, but don't stay quiet.  If you are that person using drugs, stop now, before it gets harder and you are deeper.  Talk to someone, an adult in charge somewhere.  There is help.  Don't feel judged or shamed for needing help.  You can't get out alone.  It is never to late to change.

Make a pledge to be sober, and stay clean or get clean.  It will make all the difference in your life.  I can promise you, if you say "No thanks" or "That's not my thing" or just run away from the invitation to take a hit, you will be better off.  I know it.

I invite you to live!   Help stop the drug problem in this county.  Find hope, be a good friend, watch out for each other. Look for a hero or someone you admire to pattern your life after.  Know that you aren't alone in your struggles to be loved and be happy.  I want you to live.  I want you to reach your goals and dreams.  I want Max's stupid decision to use pot to be a voice of warning, an example of a wasted life and I want you to choose to be sober.

Thank you.

What's For Dinner?

 

Twenty years ago when we first moved to Maryland, a quilting buddy took me to Farmer Knopp's Vegetable Stand.

Keeps you honest, putting your quarters in a locked box with nobody watching.

Beautiful day to be in rural Harford County!

His driveway is lined with flowers and I was fascinated with all the butterflies!

Cash for Wants?

Every once in awhile I ask John what he would do with extra, not-needed-for-bills cash. Top of my list (after wedding party plans, all the current bills for necessaries, food storage, etc) is tuning our sad little piano. He would augment our entertainment situation with a HD flat screen for films and select programs on-line (but still no cable tv. We love NOT having tv).

Today if I had extra money, this cute Lily & Thistle coloring book is what I would support. How fun would it be to have a little friend paper doll? Cutomized with a contribution of $50+. So many good causes in the world, great projects, creative artists in need of patrons...

I will use my MIGHT to advertise, point you in good directions for good causes!

12 Ways of Christmas: Rescue Day 8

"Rescue
Symbol: Angel
Scripture: Jesus Christ, the Deliverer of mankind; he rescues all from the bondage of death and the repentant from the penalties of sin. (Guide to the Scriptures)
Ideas: At some time in your life, has someone rescued you? Been your angel? Have you been blessed to be a part of some one else’s rescue? (Visiting teacher? Missionary? Friend?)"

I made this one. There is some Christmas cherub fabric near the bottom of the tree...

Too many stories...but know that I am thankful!

Found this at the Public Library

One of the best books I have read this year.

Bluefish by Pat Schmatz

Now What? Decorating Dilemmas

My husband grew up in a home where things were decorated, once, and the furniture stayed in place for years, decades...

My family moved every 4 years or so when I was young. And my mom liked to experiment, change things. I remember my bunk bed in three different places in our San Jose house, and it couldn't have been me moving it by myself?

Part of cleaning a room, for me, is seeing if things would fit better, or look nicer, or be more convenient rearranged. John has learned to turn on the lights before walking through a room, in case the couch is no longer where it was the last time he sat down...

And it isn't always me on my own changing things. Gifts, sharing bounty creates new "problems" to solve. New raw material to play with and create a new environment. Always in the pursuit of beauty/comfort/function.

I have a sweet friend who is a collector/antique-admirer. She gave me this fireplace surround/mantel. Oak under dubious white (lead?) paint. Wash your hands often. There is a beveled mirror that fits into the middle frame. This is waiting for a good cleaning and paint peel. I love the history of this piece, the detailing, the grandness!

(My friend also sent me home with these nifty chairs, enough to make a no-more-waiting for "Elijah" chair for each of my seminary students...either a Christmas present or early Passover gift? I will get them involved in this project and post finished pictures!)

I had just finished gluing on these blue stones to our brick fireplace surround. Cover them up with oak antique? Or take the saws-all and just put the top third of the mantel on top of my existing woodwork mantel??? Secure it how? It is top heavy to begin with, and massive, would need more support below...There are some engineering questions to figure out before I can do anything else with this project.

Finished this zebra pillow for my chair (once an Emma skirt), and then found a great curbside freebee chair...In my perfect living room, there are enough comfy chairs for all of us, sitting around a round central table. That means getting rid of the couch, or putting it in another room...

Do I recover it to match the rest of the black & white & turquoise decor in the living room? Embrace the purple? Start over with a clean slate?

Frivilous problems, these decorating questions of mine. It all has to fit within a budget of use-what-I-have-spend-nothing. SO it is all about rearranging. Editing. Choosing.

Who Needs the Quilt Gift of Love MORE & Apples?

Log cabin blocks set in Courthouse Steps pattern.  Individual blocks made by Sister _______, (can't remember her name!  We can call her Sister Generous Soul) who gave me boxes and boxes of "antique" looking fabric before she left on her mission from Baltimore Stake to Guatemala.  Sister Generous Soul was once the sister-by-marriage to our first landlord (D. Bradford) in Springville.  I wish she could see this quilt! 

I sewed the blocks into two quilts and taught the Relief Society sisters how to quilt.  The first one using "Crow's Foot" stitches-my personal favorite tie method, and this one, using traditional knot ties.  The first one I got bound, finished and delivered to Salt Lake City Welfare Square as a donation.  This one has (embarrassingly) sat unbound for....years?   Too long.  It is finished, finally, and going to a good home today:  new baby girl and family in need of some extra love.  Yes, it is great to donate to rescue missions, disaster areas, Church projects, but sometimes help a little closer to home is what is needed more.  I hope it helps this family stay warm this winter, and that they know lots of love and learning hands went into making it.  Everyone helping a little bit can make a difference!  Thanks to Tiffany for organizing friends and helping us be aware of a real need locally.

Happy Rosh Hashannah meant a day off of school.  Both of these children are in a serious growth spurt.  Good helpers.

GIANT mitsu apples.  Thank you to friend Laura who taught me where to find them!

Friends

I am thankful for friends.

If you haven't met Wallace & Gromit yet, you are in for a treat. Nick Park's creation. I've always wondered why a dog is man's best friend. I never had a dog. I try to be nice to neighbor's dogs. I am growing very fond of 3-legged Penny at work. She greets me with cheerful full-body excitement and comes up to me throughout the day for behind-the-ear scratches. Maybe it is their complete acceptance and devotion that makes them our friends?
Some of my earliest friends included Mr. Rogers. Yes, really. He sang about it. He was always so cheerful and positive and kind! I know it was his job, but he was really good at it, and I felt loved.
I love seeing friends within families: my brother being a friend to his daughter and in-laws and nieces and nephews. He includes them, plays with them. (Ellie is on the quilt I made for her parents!)
I have been thankful my children are friends with one another. I hope they continue to do upkeep on their sibling relationships as they all grow into adulthood.
Some friends start out when they are thrown together as babies/children! Not by choice, by proximity!
Some of my friends start out as assignments, at Church. But then we choose to hang out together after the meetings and at each other's homes! I am thankful for the friends John has cultivated among good, fun-filled and funny men!

I am thankful for the good friendships our children have made at school.


Some friendships last years and years! I think of my best friend from middle school, Jamie. My family moved right before high school, and I grieved at leaving behind a good group of friends. I missed them so much, I was ready to walk back to Iowa to see them.







This friend from middle school was the only other LDS member in the whole school. From the reunion website I see that she is doing well--and I wish I could track her down and tell her I am sorry I wasn't a better friend. I didn't include her the way I should have in my circle. I wasn't very nice. I regret it, to this day. If anyone knows how I can contact Cindy Watson ________ (married name?), please let me know. I've tried to find her and apologize and congratulate her one her beautiful family!

I appreciate friends who teach me, share ideas with me.
Truly good relationships make you a better person. They uplift you, bring you closer to Christ.Art photography of John the Baptist and Jesus, by Mark Mabry, one of my favorite example of friend/cousins.


I am thankful for siblings and cousins who are friends! What a great feeling to have long lost cousins facebook-friend request you!






I've been blessed with great friends! I am so thankful for you. Some I have only "talked" to through email and blog comments. Some I see almost every day (L. J. I do not have a picture of you! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?).

Thank you. I am grateful for you. Wouldn't be the same without you.