Understanding
the Grieving Process
It is
important to remember
that
different people react differently to the grief they suffer over the loss
of the
family member they once knew & loved; the one
who was energetic and vital, who may have been the prime provider and support
system for the family. Some individuals respond by involving themselves
completely in the rehabilitation process of their family member. They deal with
insurance companies, doctors, rehabilitation providers and government agencies.
In a way this helps them gain some control over their
situation. Others may not be able to come around for a while. They may bury
themselves in other projects and with other responsibilities. These individuals
will need time to reach a more comfortable level of accepting what has happened
to them and their family member.
There is
frequently a grieving process that one goes through when his or her family
member suffers a head injury.
The process
is often experienced in definable stages:
denial;
anger and frustration;
depression and withdrawal; and
acceptance
If your
family member engages in constant verbalization about a concern of his, do not
allow yourself to get trapped into worrying with him. One person is enough.
Unrealistic
Expectations
It is often
difficult to be realistic about what you can expect from your family member.
These expectations also change as he makes changes. It would be wonderful to be
optimistic about his progress
and to will him to return to his old self, but realistically we know this seldom
happens. Often, this type of optimism keeps us going. However, being overly
optimistic, and not realistic, can be counterproductive, especially if it leads
to setting goals you or your family member can't meet. It can give both of you
a sense of failure, which is counterproductive
to the rehabilitation process. If
possible, take the recovery period one day at a time without
planning too far ahead. In essence, the right
mixture is optimism tempered with a touch of realism.
Learning
to Love Again
Unless your
family member has had only a mild bump on the head (and sometimes even then),
you will find that he is a somewhat different person from before. Now that he
is coming home you may be fantasizing that he will be his "old self."
You will be disappointed if you are expecting this, so do not set yourself up
for this letdown.
As time
goes by you will probably see changes indicating that your family member may
never completely return to his original personality You may feel that you are
living or sleeping with a stranger.
You will
need time to adjust, so give yourself this opportunity If it is your spouse who
is injured, you may need to seek professional help to assist both of you in
redeveloping your relationship.
In trying
to reshape your relationship with your family member, another issue you have to
deal with is a change in family roles. You may have to adjust to the fact that
your spouse is no longer the dominant one in the home or in the relationship.
You may have to assume that role. You may also have to adjust
to the fact
that he may not be as active or assertive as he was before his injury.
Learning to
adjust to these changes and renewing your love for your partner can present a
significant challenge.
Suggestions
Talk to
him the way you used to.
Let him
make as many decisions as possible.
Ask his
opinion, even if it is not necessarily needed.
Take
time to reestablish your relationship.
This time is a learning process, and you
will have to discover
new things about your loved one.
