Martha and Giving Thanks

Last year I purposefully painted the kitchen floor (silver glitter sparkles!) making it "impossible" to cook a traditional meal.  I felt rebellious, angry, and sad, as we marked and endured the 2nd Thanksgiving after our son's suicide.  John bought frozen turkey potpies and the four of us left at home sat solemnly around the table.

A month ago, right after Halloween, I turned over in bed and announced to my husband of 27.5 years that we needed to have a social Thanksgiving.  Invite strangers over that would make us duty-bound to celebrate. 

Our Utah children were at my parents in SLC, cared for, fed, a chair for them at the table.  I was not worried about them.  Samuel is Elder Landbeck in Arizona, and I was confident one of the members was taking care of him and his companion.  We had our daughter home from her mission and our 15 year old baby.  Again, four of us, which seems like every dinner every night.

We invited two families from church with young children, an older couple with family out of state, and a young widower, 22 people!  Twin toddlers, an au pair from Argentina, happy kids on the trampoline and swings in our backyard were wonderfully noisy and full of life.  I gave away the plaster horse bust, made sure left-overs were bagged and in the fridge ready to go home with everyone.   I was so busy Thanksgiving Day that there was no time to mourn, no time to grieve or be sentimental about missing anyone. 

It was not until 2:30 am, after the flurry of cooking and chatting and cleaning up and 5 hours of sleep, that I had time to be still.  As a family we read Matthew 15  (or 16?) last night and the theme was "Abide."  I have never thought of that word as something I wanted to do.  It sounds too much like being still.  I caught myself in another scripture: the commandment to "be still." Jesus Christ urges us to "abide" with Him.   That sounds so quiet, relaxed and not busy, really not me.

John eventually woke up from his cough medicine-induced sleep and I told him my middle of the night thoughts.  I had spent the whole Thanksgiving Day purposefully busy and full of strangers that left no time to think of Maxwell or dwell on him missing from the table.   Asking for help to apply the Atonement to my grief, my missing Max, praying for others who have lost loved ones--hoping they are okay this weekend and comforted, knowing their holiday dinners are lacking everyone they wished were there, too…

John pointed out the burden of Martha (Martha & Mary, sisters) of staying busy, worried about details, maybe sharing that driven, and work ethic of busy-ness that I feel all the time.  I have to stay working because there is always more to do, more to take care of, and stopping makes me have to think, crescendos the feelings of sadness and loss.  Talking about feelings makes me feel them stronger.  I wallow, and am swallowed up in the intensity and become non-functional, unable to continue to do, work, move.  The work keeps me balanced, but it can be frustrating for John who wants to discuss, draw out the thoughts and feelings, analyze and put in perspective what is happening.  I want the words to disappear sometimes.  I do not want to sit still, by discipline or knowing that it will be harder to start working again.  John wants to plan, be thoughtful and make sure the discussion covers all contingencies, order the tasks, and visit, plan for the after action reports, etc.

How do I take time to be in the moment, be quiet and feel the Holy Ghost testifying that Heavenly Father loves me, knows my sadness?  For me, it is the middle of the night prayers with me begging for understanding and comfort.  Tears run into my ears as I try not to move or wake up my husband.  He wakes up anyway, listens to my thoughts, and gives me hugs.

Next year, what will we do for Thanksgiving?  I know we need to reach out.  I need to overcome my nerdy-rather-read-a-book holiday anti-social celebrating.  Work hard, delegate more, and not be selfish in my grieving/missing.  Open up our home to others struggling to overcome their grief, gather and count blessings.  Cook as much before hand, like a good Martha, and then settle and visit and be still and abide with those who come with heavy hearts, loneliness, sadness and fears.

Beautiful!

Alena is easy to love!

Sister Superheroes!

"Daddy" Michael's face that Luanna helped nephew Jack make to distract him from abandonment.  Those green Good & Plentys are his toes, and nose.

I look at us, exactly where we stood 25 years +2 months ago, noticing the hair changes, added weight...but thankful he is holding my hand tenderly.  Marriage is good!

A Wedding to Create A Marriage: Public, Official, & Permanent

Me & husband of 25 years.  He is a keeper, yes.

 Weddings are fun!  Celebrating is fun!  I love to see couples starting out together...

How cool is an OREO tower?  There was a fountain of milk next to it (instead of a chocolate fountain, same hardware).  Below is their cake (top layer was an actual cake, rest of tiers were triangular cut cheesecake brownies).

Butterflies everywhere, because she loves them, and he proposed with one:

Cute story:  they love to Geo-cache, and he planted a "fake" one, complete with log.  When she found it, she tried to put it back, saying it was somebody's proposal, turned around and saw him down on one knee with a ring..

Jon Schmidt played the prelude--so we have something in common with this couple!  The groom sang a song to her that was swooning romantic.  The bishop married them in a nice ceremony.  She is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  He is not.  He comes to Church with her and attends John's Sunday School class so we have gotten to know him a little bit.

They obliged me with a photo kiss.  Actually, I have never seen such a kissy couple at a reception! Super happy, sweet vows exchanged (she loves him more than milk.  And more than bacon.  Made everyone laugh, but by the end we were all teary).

Part of our gift to the newlyweds was a Mr & Mrs.  Actually, it was really just a fun way to decorate the package.
During the reception there were several drawings--at the guest book spot there was a big jar we could put our name in to win one of her beautiful vases and pots--she just graduated from BYU-Idaho with an art degree, emphasis ceramics.  It made me want to stay to the end!

I am convinced that all the details of the party don't matter as much as how the newlyweds treat each other, if they stick together at the reception, if they kiss and kiss and kiss blissfully unaware of anything but each other in that moment...Dancing is fun.  Details of decorating can be memorable.  Food details can be forgotten.  But how happy the new couple is, how they hold on to each other, how you can feel their love for each other--that is the celebration.  That is what you think about as you walk back to your car hugging your sweetie and feeling grateful for marriage and love and couples who want to be together!


Psychology Today article:  Marriage is the process by which two people who love each other make their relationship public, official, and permanent.

Sweet Love

You can make your own easy eye chart, say whatever you would like...

I purposefully peruse the YA and teen library books in order to stay current, keep track of story trends. 

"Forever" and "Eternity" have worked there way into teen lit, thanks to Stephanie Meyers and her beyond-death vampire stories.  I don't think it is a bad thing, but there are some interesting interpretations, speculations, literary solutions to wrap up a fiction story now days.  Mormons talk about the after life with ease; we grow up being taught about the possibility of having a forever family and our goal is to be married in the temple for eternity, not just until death do we part.  We confidentially assert that God's permission and restored priesthood power is exclusively in the Church.

So when I read an attempt at forever love I am not irritated, (maybe slightly amused) as I see the imitated pattern.  It sounds too good to be true?  You want it, too!  No kidding!  You find someone you love and they reciprocate your devotion and you want it to last!

Marriage Thoughts

It has been a week full of loving! I look forward to continually growing old with this marvelous man.

Wednesday John-husband drove down to the NIH for check-up pre-malaria testing, and was asked: "So, you've been married a long time, right? What is your secret?"

He talked about the importance of dating your spouse, and the great advice he got from a college professor: if you only have an hour a week to spend with your family (between work/school) take your wife out. Show your children that you love each other first, and they will feel more secure.

Thursday I took the train down to meet John at work so we could go to the DC Temple. We did not get in a fight on the way down, felt pretty united and happy to be there together, and were still asked to sit up front. We missed the 6 pm meeting, but had plenty of time to wait for the next one at 6:30--so we sat side by side with two big Bibles and I showed him some of the things we have been talking about in seminary this week: Jacob falling in love with Rachel (kissing her before they started dating!) and his volunteering the 7 year work-off for such a beautiful bride, tricky father-by-marriage, Leah's lovely eyes, Jacob's dedication to marriage, his courage, his responsibilness and trustworthiness, his dedication to marry within the covenant and obey his parents.

We talked about our children, our hopes and dreams for them and our helplessness. It is out of our hands whom they choose. We can't send our most trusted servant to go and pick, by prayer, the first one to water the camels (I really wish we knew the name of Abraham's servant--so faithful and believing). We pray for our children, we keep dating and trying to be good examples of a happy marriage, so they will seek a relationship that can last through this life and after death. That is what we believe. It is what we hope. It is why we do everything we do.

We went to a wedding reception last night. The young groom looked a little dazed. They got married last week out west, where she is from. They were late to their reception--but look so happy, well-suited, matched evenly! Rolls, a dozen soups, cake & hot cider. We gifted them with some practical home stuff (no, not toilet paper, but I thought about it) and movie passes, for some dates!

Marriage

I am thankful for marriage. Thankful for my spouse. Thankful to be a wife. This is us a year ago...

Last weekend...

We want this to last and keep getting better.

I am grateful we met when we did. Grateful for our years of letter writing. Grateful his family was easy to love. Grateful that we didn't have "baggage" from previous exes (I still think it is funny when we run into a past girlfriend of John's living in the same county), grateful for how easy it is to feel loved and to completely trust and rely on him.

My boss is a very young widow, with lots of practical life advice. Work conversation today included the thought that the person who loves the other the least has the most amount of power in the relationship. Horrible thought, because it means if you care less than the other person, your whims will be met. You can set the boundaries. You can decide the time lines, the menu, the date activity. To keep from losing you, the other will capitulate. Cave in. Try desperately to please the less invested party.

I remember feeling reassured that John loved me, reciprocated my feelings. That I could reach out to him and know that his hand would be extended searching for mine. I knew it wouldn't be a lopsided relationship, and it was something I could commit to and keep for all of my existence. I am not going anywhere. I am not changing my mind/heart. He could depend on my decision to be his wife. I could depend on him as my husband.

We started out young and dumb and so full of convictions and determination. Now we are old and still clueless about many things. We have mellowed some (allowing Santa traditions, for one!) and worked out new traditions. But some things have remained constant: I know he will be faithful. I know he will keep his faith in God, keep praying (even when I am the weak one and pout and don't feel like it), going to Church, loving and parenting our children, working hard and knowing how to play energetically...He is good at reminding me to take breaks, rest, re-fuel. He is my best friend.

Making Memories, Part 6

Creating the Greatest Love Story Ever by Nancy Fagan, M.S

"In the book The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples, author Paul Coleman tells how happy couples stay happy. His findings are based on many research studies on marital happiness. Basically, his 30 secrets can be summarized into three main goals that all couples should have:

Practice Good Communication. Communication skills include considering the part you play in the problem, trying not to be defensive, and seeing the issue from your partner's perspective.

Have Realistic Expectations for a Long Relationship. Realize that change involves ups and downs and appreciate the effect that major changes, such as having children, will have on your relationship.

Make Time for Each Other. Make regular dates, have fun together, and take every opportunity to be affectionate.

These three goals sound like such a simple recipe for living happily ever after, but they require something that many people forget, which is daily commitment."

Stepping on Toes

Hope I'm not!

Mr. Landbeck is ghost writing this morning. Jennilyn is busy going to three different appointments and jobs today, so I am borrowing her account, and using a pic from a couple of months ago. I love her toes, but sometimes I step on them, trying to help out.

She'll be back soon, maybe later today.

Happy Birthday to Mom-Mine!

Thanks, Mom, for birthing me. I am thankful for YOUR birthday today. Thankful to be here in SLC celebrating in person. Thank you for helping me grow up and want to be a mommy, like you.
(picture taken 2 weeks ago, Sunday 15th at sunrise, before John's EQ mtg)

Profound thoughts at seminary training meeting. We watched Sister Julie Beck's talk to the Church Education System leaders. She encouraged us to focus on the family in our teaching, no matter what scripture year, and to use "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" more in our classrooms. Help our students leave feeling like Jacob and Rebekkah. Encourage them to get to the temple. Help them see their potential as an eternal family. Anything Anti-Christ is anti-family. If something is anti-family, then it is anti-Christ.

And when I asked John to do something that was good for our marriage, he agreed, and said, "This is good for our family."

I am glad he gets it.