Hugs from Camp Safety presentation today

HOW MANY OF YOU LOVE PICKLES?  Not just like them a little bit, but LOVE them?  I love pickles.  But my husband hates them, never liked them when he was young, still hates them.  We have 6 children:  3 girls and 3 boys.  So how many of them do you think like pickles?  Would it surprise you to hear, 2 don't like them, our oldest daughter and our youngest daughter.

If I told you I had a treat that looks kind of like a pickle, smells like one, but you’ve never tried it, would you do it on a dare?  If I made fun of you for not trying it, would you cave in to the peer pressure and eat it?  A pickled OKRA is still green, crunchy, salty, and the texture is similar, but not everyone who likes pickles likes pickled OKRA.  If you cook it wrong, it is gelatinous, like jelly or jello, slimy, really gross.    Would you try it if I tried it first, and you saw that I liked it?  Would you ask your friends first if they liked it, or ask your parents if it was ok to eat okra?  Would you google it, look up recipes, read about its health benefits, and would you believe it?

THREE THINGS:  1.  No secrets from your parents or family.  Surprises are ok, for birthdays and holidays and gifts, but not secrets.

2.  Decide today that you will say no to drugs & alcohol.  I was reading an article yesterday that talked about scientific studies showing it is easier to never do something than to try and do it in moderation, just smoke a little, just drink a little.  Some things are hard to stop, and they are addicting in dangerous ways.

3.  Be brave and confident making good choices.  Even if everyone around you is making a bad choice, those good choices will protect you, keep you safe, keep your brain cells, and you will be happier.

One of my pickle sons, is named Maxwell.

He was very smart, funny, but one of his bad habits was taking dares.  If someone dared him to drink hot sauce, he would try it, even if it hurt his tongue.  He liked getting attention from dares.

One day in high school, a friend dared him to smoke some marijuana, or pot.  The friend gave him a zip lock baggy full of green leaves for free, and promised it would make Maxwell feel like a little kid again; it would make him relax and happy and forget all the hard things about being a teenager.

One day while Max was in school, I felt like I should clean his room, maybe empty the garbage, and I found evidence.  I started looking in his desk, found a baggy of marijuana hidden under some papers, and some other things he was using to smoke it.  When he got home from school and went into his room, he could tell that someone had been in there.  I had to drive him to singing practice, and we had a long, calm talk.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt, asked him if he was keeping the drugs for someone.  I am thankful he was honest with me, said the drugs were his. 

We had a long talk, and I stayed calm the whole time, asking him questions, wanting to understand what his plan was, why he tried it.  He told me about how he felt.  And he promised he would stop.

But drugs trick you.  They are hard to stop.  Friends who like drugs will lie to you, especially if they are selling it.  Drugs are a way for some people to make money, and they don't care how much drugs hurt you, they just want to make more money. 

Max didn't have a job, but he had video games, shoes, some nice things that he traded for drugs.  How else do you think he got $ for drugs?

He stole it.  He would take grocery $ from our room and spend it on drugs.  I couldn't figure out how the $ was disappearing so quickly, thought maybe I was spending too much without realizing what was really happening.

Maxwell also shoplifted to get drugs, over-the-counter medicine, if you take it wrong, is really dangerous and can kill you.

This went on for 3 years, and it got worse, and scarier.  He would try to stop, and we helped him get into programs that tried to help him stop.  He picked up some bad habits while living with people who were also trying to stop using drugs.

One thing that doesn't help people who are using, is to make them feel bad, or shame them.  Never works to shame them.  We tried to be supportive, tell him we loved him, involve him the best we could in our lives, but he kept making some bad choices.

He died 3 years and 7 days ago.  I miss him.  1,102 days.

Your family would miss you, if you started making choices that make you unsafe.  Keep talking to your parents and family, tell them if you have friends making scary choices, and decide that you will be healthy, safe, and obey the law--which includes no drinking any alcohol before you are 21 years old.   Be brave, when people make fun of you for your good choices.  Know that you are not the only one.  Say "NO!" to anyone trying to talk you into a bad choice, or DARE you to try something you shouldn't.

Okra really is safe.  Pickles are good.  But drugs are not.  Please be careful of your bodies, protect them.  You have so much to discover and learn and experience!

I hope you smile next time your family wants to take a photograph together.  Photos & memories are the only things I have left of my son. 

I am Grateful for Good People Who Listen & ACT on "Feelings"

This is Nurse Ashley, who saved John's life.  She left work late 2 weeks ago, went home a different way than she normally does, stopped when she saw the firetrucks at the accident, and she was the one who ran into the woods to John's car and intubated him, stayed with him while they worked for 20 minutes to extract him from the car (after they took care of 2 other cars).  Amazing fact that she works in Shock Trauma where they brought John.  She knew exactly what to do to help him on site.

How do you thank someone enough for doing such an amazing thing?

This is Nurse Asley & her husband.  She is holding the pink potholder I crocheted at the hospital & a Book of Mormon from me.  Friday morning John got a 10-11 on Glasgow Coma Scale.  Two weeks ago he was a 3 when they brought him in.  Still working on communicating by nods, gestures and guesses.

Miracles are happening.  His life was spared, and he is progressing rapidly, surprising the staff.  I am struggling to balance positive faith/hope against worry and reality/plans for future (while trying really hard to not freak out over medical bills).

On the way home from the hospital and after the good news that John is moving to REHAB already, I got a text offer for dinner.  It included fresh raspberry pie with ice cream, and yummy mini individual quiche and deconstructed guacamole salad (black beans, tomatoes, yellow peppers, avocado-chopped, not smashed, onions with 1/2 cup olive oil and 1/2 cup lime juice & lime zest, salt, pepper to taste, cayenne if you want).  Carolyn stayed for dinner, ate with us, which was perfect.

We have been blessed.

Family Communication Styles

Roxie had a project due in history, and she couldn't take her bow to school so I took 100 photos of her so she could make a powerpoint presentation.

I yarn bombed back yard tree for Memorial Day.  I had some red t-shirt sleeves from an old Max boychoir shirt...

We went to the temple

Memorial Day smores and baby holding!  Baby Lincoln and Baby Olive are our friends.  Aunt Candy was visiting Gma Sandy.  The party was at Wainwrights, and that is host on pole, since he was out on ship working and his wife had the party anyway.

I am thankful for family blogs, the honesty, the realness, the photos, the love.  We don't visit as often as I wish we did!  Since we live so far spread apart blogging is a good way to get a glimpse of what is going on.  My phone skills are limited to talking to John every day from his work at lunch time...

Family Update for 2017

My sister wrote a fantastic family blog description, going through her children, letting the rest of us know how things are going.  As I read it felt like a family reunion.

Emmalyn&DeanJames are pregnant!  We are 13 week grandparents!  "Their Ritchie Baby" sounds like "Our Cheese Baby" when Roxie was voicing family prayer, and the nickname has stuck.  Emma is still dealing with headaches.  And sick-not-just- nauseated but throwing up multiple times a day.  Under good doctor care & medicated, AND still teaching high school chemistry full-time.  Our son-in-law is in a graduate program at U of U, official game-making.  They will be somewhere in July while he works an internship:  maybe CA, maybe FL.... I am flying out to UT the end of February while he has a school conference out of town to hang out with Emma, cook nutritious and surprising food that we don't discuss before hand & will be instantly bivouacked away if it displeases her.  I am so sympathetic & want to baby my baby having a baby!  Wherever they are in July I will stay for 2 weeks to help after the birthday!

Stewart got a promotion at Sodalicious.  He is in Provo & taking on-line classes.  Thus, the year long beard.

Suzanna is home from serving a church mission in Portugal.  She prays & sings in Portuguese.  She is back at BYU Provo & working at the MTC.

Samuel is currently serving a church mission in Arizona.  We hear from him fire-safety delinquency observations & stories about dogs.  My favorite picture, so far, was him dressed in white for a baptism!

Roxie Jane loves to sing!  She has been chosen to sing in all-county & all-state choirs.  She is teaching the YW to crochet bracelets.  This morning she is sore from YW basketball practice. 

John continues as ward clerk & work at Maryland Environmental Services in procurement.   I still teach early morning seminary at our home & just got called as stake welfare specialist over suicide prevention & awareness.  Also a new member of  Maryland's Governor's commission on Suicide Prevention.  We both are on-call for the Harford County Office of Drug Control Policy for talks to youth &  health fair presentations.  We have 3 huge boxes ready to bleach & vinegar to make DEFIANCE shirts.

We are good busy, blessed, & happy for the exciting changes in our family this year!

Light the World by Calming the Storms

John & I went through an informal food storage inventory last night; how are we prepared, in case of winter storms?  The race to the store for toilet paper, bread, eggs & milk is a cultural tradition here!  Bread shelves quickly empty.  I can imagine everyone huddled together making french toast until the power goes out.

We really should review the 72 hour emergency kits we have.  So many children have left home.  As Suzanna goes back to school in January, we only need 3.  It might be time to give away some of the gathered supplies to a younger family (paying attention to the expired vitamins & medicines, as our son in law has taught us, it isn't just a suggestion, but a scientific laboratory tested truth that ingredients have a shelf life, decompose, and will not work as they age, and can cause harm instead of helping.  Before Dean's teachings, I really thought that was a money making myth, just so we would buy more product.)

Bundle an extra clean pair of socks into the pocket in the car seat as emergency gloves.

Buy oatmeal-has a great shelf life!

Rotate what you have already stored.

Tell your college daughter that the TVP you are sending to her is vegan!  Life-sustaining, and cheap!

Light The World Honoring the Sabbath

My mom is the best example.  For the last 18 days she has consequently blogged of her experiences following the #lighttheworld project as seen here https://www.mormon.org/?cid=HP_FR_25-11-2016_dMIS_fmorg_xLIDyL1-A_ 

I haven't been reading her blog every day, so I had to play catch-up, this Sabbath morning. 

John leaves for a church meeting at 6 am, so we are awake early.  After he leaves I spend the time emailing my weekly letter to our missionary son, and briefly see what my long-distance family is doing.  We aren't in the habit of phone calls (we have an awesome brother-in-law who chats daily with his parents & siblings. DAILY!  I admire that), or visiting as often as I wish. 

Geography is a challenge if face-to-face communication is your love language preference.  Skpye is ok, but feels like an appointment, a little stiff.  Maybe it is the hugging I miss with the contact.  I crave the physical reassurance and communication of love through touch. 

A once-a-week check in with our spiritual selves, an assessment of our spiritual well-being and health makes sense.  I believe the Old Testament teaching that the Lord made it a holy day.  He sanctified it.  Our "keeping the sabbath day holy" is up to us, how we interpret that.  It will still be a holy day, with or without us.  The old Blue Laws that enforced store closures and alcohol sales on Sunday am have slowly been dismissed.  It has turned into a big shopping day, chore day, networking day, and even a work day for many.  And I will say right here, I am thankful for the emergency workers, doctors, nurses, police and firemen and their sacrifice to work all week.)

I have a memory of attempting to persuade my dad that my doing the dishes was breaking the Sabbath.  He pointed me back to "Honor they father and thy mother..." and there may have been some ox in the mud references.  I did the dishes.

Over the years I have tried different things, including no sewing, no painting, no school homework, no fun novel reading (just scriptures), no tv, newspapers, no facebook, no friends, no restaurants, and probably too long of indulgent napping.  The exceptions have been specific, for example, watching the First Presidency Christmas Devotional live the first Sunday of December ever year, or supporting family reunion restaurant gathering for non-member family (I would do anything for Great Grandma Billie).

It has been more productive to think of the yes-we-can-do instead of the no-don't-even-think-about-it restrictions for the day.

Do go to a worship service of choice.
Do spend time with family and learning about ancestors.
Do support good friends in achievements.
Do celebrate holidays!
Do community service.
Do rest from the craziness of all the other day responsibilities and burdens.
Do find time to pray and ponder life.
Do spend time remembering and renewing commitments and promises.
Do simplify and lessen the burdens of others. (Sometimes that means paper plates and less elaborate meals!)

I like to think of the Sabbath as a day to get back in touch with what God wants me to do.  I try to plan what my priorities should be for the week, to seek counsel on troubles and concerns, to brainstorm for solutions.  It is a good day to ask Heavenly Father for help.  Loving the Sabbath leaves me with a feeling of love, peace, joy, gratitude, and kind, swelling and warm feelings.  And that touch of grace makes my week flow better.

Martha and Giving Thanks

Last year I purposefully painted the kitchen floor (silver glitter sparkles!) making it "impossible" to cook a traditional meal.  I felt rebellious, angry, and sad, as we marked and endured the 2nd Thanksgiving after our son's suicide.  John bought frozen turkey potpies and the four of us left at home sat solemnly around the table.

A month ago, right after Halloween, I turned over in bed and announced to my husband of 27.5 years that we needed to have a social Thanksgiving.  Invite strangers over that would make us duty-bound to celebrate. 

Our Utah children were at my parents in SLC, cared for, fed, a chair for them at the table.  I was not worried about them.  Samuel is Elder Landbeck in Arizona, and I was confident one of the members was taking care of him and his companion.  We had our daughter home from her mission and our 15 year old baby.  Again, four of us, which seems like every dinner every night.

We invited two families from church with young children, an older couple with family out of state, and a young widower, 22 people!  Twin toddlers, an au pair from Argentina, happy kids on the trampoline and swings in our backyard were wonderfully noisy and full of life.  I gave away the plaster horse bust, made sure left-overs were bagged and in the fridge ready to go home with everyone.   I was so busy Thanksgiving Day that there was no time to mourn, no time to grieve or be sentimental about missing anyone. 

It was not until 2:30 am, after the flurry of cooking and chatting and cleaning up and 5 hours of sleep, that I had time to be still.  As a family we read Matthew 15  (or 16?) last night and the theme was "Abide."  I have never thought of that word as something I wanted to do.  It sounds too much like being still.  I caught myself in another scripture: the commandment to "be still." Jesus Christ urges us to "abide" with Him.   That sounds so quiet, relaxed and not busy, really not me.

John eventually woke up from his cough medicine-induced sleep and I told him my middle of the night thoughts.  I had spent the whole Thanksgiving Day purposefully busy and full of strangers that left no time to think of Maxwell or dwell on him missing from the table.   Asking for help to apply the Atonement to my grief, my missing Max, praying for others who have lost loved ones--hoping they are okay this weekend and comforted, knowing their holiday dinners are lacking everyone they wished were there, too…

John pointed out the burden of Martha (Martha & Mary, sisters) of staying busy, worried about details, maybe sharing that driven, and work ethic of busy-ness that I feel all the time.  I have to stay working because there is always more to do, more to take care of, and stopping makes me have to think, crescendos the feelings of sadness and loss.  Talking about feelings makes me feel them stronger.  I wallow, and am swallowed up in the intensity and become non-functional, unable to continue to do, work, move.  The work keeps me balanced, but it can be frustrating for John who wants to discuss, draw out the thoughts and feelings, analyze and put in perspective what is happening.  I want the words to disappear sometimes.  I do not want to sit still, by discipline or knowing that it will be harder to start working again.  John wants to plan, be thoughtful and make sure the discussion covers all contingencies, order the tasks, and visit, plan for the after action reports, etc.

How do I take time to be in the moment, be quiet and feel the Holy Ghost testifying that Heavenly Father loves me, knows my sadness?  For me, it is the middle of the night prayers with me begging for understanding and comfort.  Tears run into my ears as I try not to move or wake up my husband.  He wakes up anyway, listens to my thoughts, and gives me hugs.

Next year, what will we do for Thanksgiving?  I know we need to reach out.  I need to overcome my nerdy-rather-read-a-book holiday anti-social celebrating.  Work hard, delegate more, and not be selfish in my grieving/missing.  Open up our home to others struggling to overcome their grief, gather and count blessings.  Cook as much before hand, like a good Martha, and then settle and visit and be still and abide with those who come with heavy hearts, loneliness, sadness and fears.