Mother Guilt Going, Going, Gone

First off, thanks, Mom, for being willing to be a mother.  For trusting motherhood.  For making sacrifices of time, money, your health/body to have me, and the Siblings.  Happy Mother's Day, to you!

John asked me before Church if it was okay to wear his Father's Day tie today, the solid marroon one with flourescent horizontal puffy fabric paint.  Not perfect horizontals, little-hand shaky, cute.  I told him I couldn't be a mom without his daddying.  And I am very aware that it is a team effort.  I need him.

I woke up from a vivid dream about one of our sons, who was back to being a cute little toddler.  He was swinging on some pipes over the deep end of a pool, wearing clothes and shoes.  I had gotten all our children ready to go, packing up from a hotel, and we were about to leave in the car, and this son dropped into the water, bobbed to the top and started paddling across the deep end.  I plucked him out, held him sopping wet against my shoulder and listened as he explained that he wanted to stay in the pool and have fun and live his own life and be on his own.  I listened, told him I loved him, and then I asked him if he wanted to go with me.  As he ran his short fingers through my hair he told me only if I didn't use hair spray, because he didn't like how that smelled...

Tender mother moments, when babies are small, pluck-out-of-the pool controllable.  You can make them go with you--by taking them, picking them up, strapping them in the carseat.  They may not like it and fight it, but you are bigger, stronger, mightier. 

If you have a teenager living at home who is physically taller/stronger, you see very quickly that the physical pressure is gone.  You CANNOT make them.  You can guilt them, you can withhold financial support, bargain with them, but there is no force.  I cannot batter them into submission, or tie them into a car seat.  I cannot change their minds, or change how they feel about something.

I can laugh, make jokes, tell stories, make connections, teach, encourage,persuade, invite, reward, praise, listen.  I can be there at the crossroads, be available, cook and ply with food.  Serve.  Notice them, hug them, rub their shoulders when they are tense, shop for them.

I found lady-leather gloves for my girls, at an antique store having a fire-sale last week.  They need airing out, but I hope my daughters know I admire them, look up to them, and respect the women that they are and their potential for their own mothering.

And to my sons:  I am watching you.  I am watching how you treat the women in your lives, how you talk to them, how you respect them, serve them, seek for their comfort.  The way your father seeks for mine. 

I can't fix you, or make you do anything.  I can't even take the credit for your achievements and sucesses, or your failures and faults.  Maybe for some of the bad habits, yes...(do not eat ice cream first for your meal!).  Please do not live your life trying to guess what will make me happy.

I am happy.  Happy to be your mom.  Now go and figure out what makes you happiest, too.

I love you all, no matter what, YES.  That won't change.  But you need to be happy with yourself, too.

Hugs & kisses & only a little hairspray today,
Mom-me

Dream Time & INVITATION

Most mornings we wake up by 5 am, sometimes as early as 4, to get ready for our busy day. I teach Bible Study Class (Old Testament this year "Daily Seminary" to 10 regularly attending teenagers). They come early for hot chocolate and sit around our dinning room table and talk, then troop down the stairs to the basement where I have tables set up for them to gather around. We sing a hymn in our croaky morning voices, they take turns each school day of one of them praying and giving a short devotional, and then the time is mine to teach them.

(Students using shield of faith to keep firey darts of Satan=mini-marshmallows--from harming them.)

The next 10 days is Spring Break. No school= no seminary=I-will-miss-the-students= sleeping in-which-I-am-thrilled-about.

Today, Saturday, Suzanna has a field trip to NYC to see Phantom, so John had to drive her over to the high school by 5:15. AM. My body on my usual schedule needed to use the facilities (have I ever used the word "toilet" in this blog?).

But then back to bed. John came back, warmed up my rice bags in the microwave so my toes were warm, I tossed around trying to get comfortable, and finally went back to sleep.

And dreamed: I was in high school, just moved, and joined a Christian after school club, since there was no LDS seminary class to go to. Things were going well, I was making friends, until we were on a field trip and I waved to some Mormon Missionaries (Elders, in their white shirts & ties) and the girl next to me asked me why I would do that. I told her I was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and she freaked "You mean Mormons? They aren't Christian. You do NOT belong in this club!" I told her I was looking for a group of teenagers who obeyed the commandments in the Old Testament, who believed in the teachings of Christ in the New Testament, and told her I loved Christ and wanted to be more like Him and to know Him. I asked her to give me a chance to explain how The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ, helped me know Him better. The teacher in charge of the club went one by one through the students and let them vote to see if I could stay in the club or not. The girl beside me said she felt so betrayed, she couldn't believe she had let me be her friend and wished that I had said something right away. She shook her head and left. The teacher kept going through the other students. Some didn't care if I stayed or not until an African American guy said "I don't know what to think!" I told him with tears streaming down my face that I didn't want them to be prejudiced against me for my religion, the way we shouldn't pre-judge anyone for who or what they are... And he nodded, knowing what I meant. I woke up wanting to explain and show the club who I was, why I wanted them to give me a chance to explain what I believed.

Today is an amazing day for us: General Conference! Starting at noon Maryland time LIVE STREAM, for two hours, with a two hour break, then again at 4pm-6pm and then again tomorrow for four hours (plus Tabernacle Choir singing for half an hour starting at 11:30 am) we get to listen to talks, counsel and advice from President Thomas S. Monson, the man who believe is a prophet. 12 men we sustain as apostles of Christ will also speak. At least one woman from one of the general presidencies (Relief Society for women 18+ years, or Young Women 12-18 years, or Primary children 18 months-12 years) will also speak.

Sometimes there are visual aids, or short film clips. There are always beautiful flower arrangements inside the Conference Center displayed around the pulpit.

And guaranteed, Christ will be mentioned. He will be sung for, testified of, His scriptures will be quoted and applications made to our modern lives. His words will be heard.

I know it. I have felt it. My heart swells with memories and I am full of faith that today will echo those experiences. I have been spiritually fed at General Conferences in the past. It is worth the 8 hours of sacrificed weekend time.

And it is open to the public. Available to the world.

You can find out for yourself, live, TODAY and TOMORROW while it is being broadcast, or you can read/listen to archived past conferences.

We invite the world to know, and see for yourself. And then judge, with knowledge.