I Know This Is True

I have a habit of mis-hearing lyrics.  They can be funny, or a running commentary of what is going on in my head.  As I drove along in the car, my phone synced Bluetoothed, a song I don't remember ever hearing, but one of Brother-in-law Bob's favorites from 2008: Cloud Cult, "Love You All" (click on the play icon).

I couldn't make out the words, sounded like "Baked Potato" or "West Viriginia" and "Family Reunion..."  Couldn't hear anything clearly, until the end, when it is so clear.  With tears streaming down my cheeks I played it again. And again, and again.  And I can never unhear the words, now that I know. Tried to call John, texted him and told him to go listen to the song.

He did, and cried, too.  And found out more about the musician and what prompted him to write this song.  And John started, or at least sent me the beginnings of a poem he is working on.  Art as therapy, art as a way to express all the strong emotions of losing a child.

It made my day, was perfectly what I needed to hear and feel and remember and know.


From the about section on Cloud Cult's website:  "In the year 2002, shortly after the unexpected death of his two year old son Kaidin, Minowa wrote over a hundred songs to deal with the loss....Since that album, Cloud Cult's music has been strongly inspired by the loss of Kaidin and the "big picture" issues of life:  "who are we, why are we here, where did we come from, where do we go". Minowa seems in constant pursuit of the light at the end of the tunnel."

We Will Try This Space

Cousins in the kitchen.  He came and knocked on our door and we had to get a picture.

Happy Birthday Sam with reversible felt crown, dumplings, sauteed mushrooms, raspberry jello salad, green salad was his dinner choices!

Chocolate, chocolate cake with chocolate chips inside and on top, as requested.

Painting project behind photos of our children...

Left side and

...right side of space.  Yes, it glows in the dark.

Roxie Hair and Cookie Quote

This weekend I had a mad scramble on Pintrist researching Renaissance hair dos, intricate braids, updos, the tricks behind the locks.  The night before we experimented:  I came home with some yarns that matched her costume and she chose two that were "strong and not overly feminine."  The theme is something about chivalry, and Roxie didn't want to look like a damsel in distress, but a swords woman who could do some saving!  She is busy studying the map of the festival, plotting what she wants to do this year.

Adding yarn fibers instead of fake hair, for color and bulk.

We twisted the back hair section into rope braids

It was so long!

And lightweight, she said, not heavy (not as heavy as hair alone that long would have been).

She is at the Renaissance Festival with 4 cousins and Grandma Sandy and Grandpa John, only one in costume.

Even when you think you know your child, sometimes you hear a story from someone else, and it fits with their personality, and you know it is true, but it still surprises you:

Roxie got a taste of these cookies at Church when the cub scouts were making them:  When the last one was gone, she said, "Sadness ensues" and made an impression.  A family brought dinner to us this week and these cookies, with the recipe and the story about Roxie!

Ironbirds Baseball Date

Mrs. Famini taught Emmalyn, Maxwell, and Suzanna, elementary school.  She hosts the section behind home plate, the table seats!  A sweet friend gave us tickets to see the game.  And this time we WON!  5 home runs in first inning!  Very exciting game, and I get very emotionally involved, cheering, trying to pay attention to the difference between a strike and a ball, getting to know players.

Guess who was holding camera???

Conversations

Our waiter asked, "How about dessert?  We have NY cheesecake or creme brule?"
"YES!" we said in unison.
He asked, "Should I bring one of them to share?"
"No, two!" we said again in unison.

(Perfect shopping day and lunch in Old Ellicot City with Carolyn!  She brought our family a berry pie after Max died and promised a lunch trip.  Reasons to go back in two pictures below--they were closed Monday  for summer hours.)

(We finally got together to quilt!)

Sherrie:  "That was so much fun!!! Thank you for being so amazing and open!  What a fun day!:)"
(I got her started on a memory t-shirt quilt, she showed me her graduation Hawaii shirt quilt!)

"It's a catapult for pianos!" (and it really made a piano fly, see below, designed by Sherrie's nephew)

(After baseball game date, we stopped by John's parent's home.  Sandy out of town.)

(John describing NPR story about fathers & sons, in 50's gathered around a car engine, bonding.  Today it is easier for dads to be involved in their children's lives, easier to say "I love you.")

Good talk.

Remembering Good Moments

Suzanna and her daddy.   I was impressed with their matching foreheads.

As I have driven around this morning MSB song "Long for the Promised Land" came on, and I played it over, and over, and over, loving the song.  Remembering Max singing in so many concerts.  Glad for the good music, the soul-stirring uplift.

I finally went grocery shopping, and as I was putting away lettuce, found a mushy decomposed cucumber in the fridge hiding behind the celery.  THAT is what happens when you are spoiled by neighbors cooking sympathy meals for weeks.  We have been blessed with a huge outpouring of love, support.

Three separate invitations to lunch this week by sweet friends. 

I bore my testimony Sunday in Church.  Once a month the congregation is invited to take turns, if they desire, and share what is in their hearts up at the podium/microphone.  I talked about how the Sunday morning when we found out about Max's death, as we were calling and informing family, my mom bore her testimony to me about the Atonement, how it matters, and I felt the strong desire to put my shoes on and go to Church, right then.  John didn't want to let me go alone, and we walked in right as the Bishop was announcing the news about Max.  We found an empty pew about half way in the middle of the chapel, and then sang "Come, Come Ye Saints" for the opening hymn.  We were both crying, stayed through the sacrament and the first two talks and the Watt family singing "Teach Me To Walk in the Light" and then we left to come home to be with family.

I talked about the things I know are true, and real, and how I need to live like the Atonement is real.  Christ is resurrected, and I have a real hope that we will be, too, and that our family can be together forever. 

I have felt very strongly how important it is for us to keep reading scriptures together, to keep praying every night as a family.  And to understand how much the scriptures help me now, the strength I feel from the seminary scripture mastery 100 to memorize!

Resilience is a Good Word

"Sometimes we may ask God for success, and He gives us physical and mental stamina. We might plead for prosperity, and we receive enlarged perspective and increased patience, or we petition for growth and are blessed with the gift of grace. He may bestow upon us conviction and confidence as we strive to achieve worthy goals. And when we plead for relief from physical, mental, and spiritual difficulties, He may increase our resolve and resilience."  -Elder David A. Bednar, "The Windows of Heaven"

summer thoughts

Sam is at a church youth conference.  Johnny at work.  He encouraged Roxie and I to go see "Guardians of the Galaxy" for fun, reminding me that my dad had taken me to see "Star Wars" episode IV when I was 12.  The dancing was my favorite part, in Guardians.

Does it deserve all the great reviews?  Ehhh.  It was fun, but I got confused early on about who was whose father.  The word play was clever, the music hitting my demographic.  Trolls?  Had one, yes, green hair.

It seems strange that life goes on, mostly just as it was a month ago.  I've read 4 out of the 20 books daughter Emma checked out for me from public library.  Easy distractions. 

The sympathy cards keep coming, with very few duplicates.  Sometimes we get sympathy for our "grandson" and those get put in the "give to grandma & grandpa" pile. 

I've ordered pictures of each of our children to put in new frames, to go with the memorial picture of Max.   Maybe hang them in the hallway?

I want to paint, but my back is still giving me trouble.  Somehow I know painting would help.

We cried watching the funeral home 22 minute movie of Maxwell.  Then we ate chicken dinner and rice made from left-over Bob Evan's gravy.

Cooking is a chore.  I can mostly muster, rally from my reading day and cook a little.

But not last night.  John and Roxie cleaned Billie's condo and brought home Burger King.

It has been a couple of sad days in a row.  Missing my family, since they've gone back to Utah. 

I was scheduled to work all this week, but when they found out what had happened, they found a substitute for me subbing for them.  Maybe it would have been better staying busier?

Haven't started t-shirt quilts yet, but that is on the list.

Dieting hints are not good timing.   Chocolate has been helpful.

John and I are going to the ocean tomorrow with Roxie & Sam.  We had talked about all of us going, with Max.  He seemed eager for that, too.  Doing things we were going to do with him, having fun without him is hard.  But we do it anyway.  We talk about him.  We wish he were here with us.

Aberdeen baseball game Monday night, seats at a table behind home plate.  Max would have loved it!