I ran away from home on Saturday. I had so much I had to do here and just ran away.
Only for 6 hours. I drove east and south, and turned onto that road directing me to "Slaughter Beach." Always wondered if that meant an actual beach.
It was great seeing the waves crashing. Deserted. Cool rocks on the sand. I saw dolphins. Picked a direction and started walking.
I walked with a somewhat-sarcastic-angry prayer in my heart "I am looking for TREASURE!" I even had a specific amount in mind, how much our family needs to get by each month. How much money we need so I could stay home again and be a house mom. I have been shocked at how much I miss being home. Realizing how much I have taken for granted. I felt burned out. Tired. Discouraged.
As I walked I started picking up rocks. They were beautiful, and I kept finding more and more amazing ones. I put them in my orange (of course!) polar fleece jacket pockets. They got heavier and heavier, but I kept finding one more beautiful one I couldn't bear to leave on the beach. Then I started thinking of great object lessons I could use them for in daily seminary--the 21 kids I teach every school day at 5:55 am (no wonder I am tired, you might be thinking). And realized abruptly how those students are my treasures.
And the lyrics to the Hymn "Did You Think to Pray" came to mind. Loudly.
"When sore trials came upon you,
Did you think to pray?
When your soul was full of sorrow,
Balm of Gilead did you borrow?
At the gates of day?"
I brought home the sandy rocks. There are 98 of them. Plus one shell and two pieces of driftwood.
Sunday in Church another hymn made me cry: "How Gentle God's Commands"
"His Goodness stands approved,
Unchanged from day to day;
I'll drop my burden at this feet
And bear a song away."
That was me on the beach, adding rocks to my pockets, slowly burdening myself, unwilling to cast them on the Lord. Feeling stubborn. Pitiful. Woe-is-me pity party.
I came home. Talked with John. Talked more this morning. He is a good man, full of hope and faith that things will be okay. Went to Church and was glad to be there.
When people asked how I was, I could say I was thankful to be there. As opposed to lounging illegally in some one's empty beach-vacation home. I didn't say that last part. Long confessionals are hard to dump on people in the hallway at Church when they are expecting a "Fine" answer.
8 comments:
I don't always comment, but I always check to see how you are. You're part of my morning routine and I do want to know how you're doing. Hallway "How are you"s are tough. Love you.
Going from being home to working again is always a big adjustment. Hang in there! It gets easier with time!
You remind me of how much problems are a state of mind. Strange to think about but probably a blessing. I was grateful to wake up this morning. Todays burdens are so much easier than the stress dreams of last night.
I think I have this same tendency sometimes- to run away- go on long cold walks.
Trying to to it myself before I relent and let help in.
And yes. A mustache.
I hope this week feels better for you and I'm glad you were able to escape a bit of pressure. It is a blessing to have any job at all but I know exactly how you feel about wanting to always be a home Mom. It is such a blessing. Thanks again for sharing your lessons.
Well, I can comment with the same thing you said to me (approximately). You are a strong, beautiful woman and running away was probably just right for you at that moment. It will make you stronger and smarter to have learned what you learned. I love those insights that can come during the hardest times. We're still praying for you every day. Sometimes I wonder if I should publish the things I do on my blog because they feel so revealing. But I am really glad to read your post which probably feel revealing too.
I found my way here from Tiff's blog.
I love this phrase, "Long confessionals are hard to dump on people in the hallway at Church when they are expecting a "Fine" answer."
I have been there and done that. I know that He listens, and hears our prayers, that He can lighten our burdens if we will allow him to.
It is so different to be able to say "I know that difficulty is part of the plan" and to live through the difficulty. I have a great friend who reminds me during my difficult times, "It will be okay, maybe not today and probably not tomorrow but one day (soon) it is going to be so much better than okay and you will look back and be able to see how this worked for your good to get you and your family to a celestially good time"
Buying some bow ties for my three little guys....I can't wait to get them!
Jennilyn,
I love you.
I've been where you are and we stayed there for 21 long months.
I have no advice, you are probably handling things better than I did. All I can say is keep the faith, because as you well know: life is still good.
xo
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